So with my new job I work with "at-risk" girls.  The term "at risk" is putting it lightly.  These girls come from homes where their parents raped them, or pimped them out for drugs, or made these girls parent their siblings, they've been physically abused, moved from motel to motel or lived on the streets, hence no schooling.  These girls have learned to fight all their lives, so it's no surprise that most of thier conversations with one another consist of...

"BITCH, don't mess w/ me, I'll F*CK you up!"

"I don't WANT to go home!  I'll kill my mama first if I do!"

"I don't care who you are!  I'm not scared to cut you!  I'm not scared to cut myself!"

"That's right, I got STD's, I'm PREGNANT, I'm 12, what you gonna do about it?!"

They spend a lot of their time "Frontin'" w/ eachother, trying to prove to others, to themselves, to us (the staff) that they are tough, that they can take on anything, they are not scared one bit.  Yelling, swearing, getting up in eachother's faces, fighting, blood, hair, all of it.

Then one day....

I sat in on thier music class.  And each of these girls, picked up their instruments quietly, waited patiently for the que from their teacher, and they played their violins.  BEAUTIFULLY!  It was a sight that I couldn't believe, it was surreal.  They allowed themselves this one pleasure, and I say pleasure because the looks on their faces, the pride, the getting lost in the music, was real.  Real and beautiful.  They were kids for this short moment.  No longer bullies, or victims.  They were children that believed enough in themselves to produce the lovely, whimsical music that permeated the air.  I got tears in my eyes, but had to hide them quickly.

It was truly a thing of beauty.

I went on a date

With the most important male in my life.

My son Max. 

He saved up $4.50 in his cow bank.  I told him he could spend his money today if he wished.  He asked if he could spend his money on taking ME out for once.  My eyes of course bugged out of my head, but then I took a step back and thought to myself "this is no surprise, you've raised a sweet, caring little boy, of course he would like to take me out for once.heh."  So Max counted up all his loose change (mostly dimes and nickels), put them in baggies, one baggie for admission for two at the $1.50 show, and the other baggie for candy from 7-11 to sneak into the theater. haha.  Earlier in the day, when he first got home from school, he told me about his day, asked me about mine and we made dinner together.  He's becoming quite self sufficient and courteous for the ripe old age of 9.  I'm so proud of him and happy to be his Mom.

So that's it, just had to share my wonderful date with everyone! 

In the past couple of weeks several random, goofy things have taken place in my life.  I just had to share.

1. Cracking up while driving because my son who is sitting next to me is doing the Robot.  Also earlier in the day Max said, "no, that would just mess up the whole fabric of te universe!"  Yea, he's 10.

2. Brian's version of French Porn:  "Oui! Oui! Oui!"

3. He says:  "We should deprive you of sleep more often Charity, you're like Buddha!!"

4. He says:  I'm crazy, but not pee in a cup crazy.

5. Charity:  Christy, you are A-sexual to me, you have no naughty bits. (Christy looks to Steve) Christy:  You can vouch for my bits can't you?

6. Max got a HUGE stuffed animal, a dog for his B-day from his Grandma.  I asked him if he named it.  It was so cute... He said "Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays his name is Milo (dog we used to have a year ago), Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays his name is Wilson (dog he used to have at his dad's house a few years ago.)  hehe, too cute.

7. I rode a mechanical Bull this past weekend.  It was so much fun I had to do it several times.  Although since I was new to it, the guy who operated it said he'd put it on "slow porn star speed" for me. LOL.

8. I went grocery shopping last night at Kroger, and  this little old man asked me to reach something from a top shelf for him.  I gladly did so.  But then he followed me around the store the rest of the time, asking for help in one way or another.  He was easily over 80 years old.   At the end, during checkout, he asked me out on a date!  LOL!!!!  I could have snapped him like a twig, he was so old and frail!  He was a bit reminiscent of old man crotchety on the Simpsons...heh.

9. Damon and I saw a very large cross dresser or transvestite, w/ a silver dress on and silver platform shoes drunk and stumbling about in Barnes and Noble, Royal Oak.  Kodak moment for sure.
10. Me:  " i LOVE  my new sheets.....mmmmmm"   Him:  "i love watching you love your new sheets." 
11. Max:  "I used to think God was a piece of celery."  Brian and Charity laugh hysterically over their burritos.
12. Me: That's funky/  Max:  No, it's funky fresh!/  Me:  You mean funky fresh like me?/  Max:  No, you're Philly Cheesesteak Fresh! Yo!
13. Im in the library at work waiting to counsel one of my girls.  She comes in complaining of a stomach ache, holding her tummy.  She sits down, we start the session, then she lets out a ronking noxious fart.  Her eyes bugged out, she says "I'm sorry Miss Loring!" and she runs out of the library in embarrassment.  Im left sitting there in the treacherous fumes wondering if I should not react and just sit there and take it...or...run out and save my nostrils.   I chose the latter.
14. I took my son, niece and nephew to the wave pool.  I sat in the shade, used sun block and STILL got a sunburn.  Im the color of a lobster and my breasts are ON FIRE!  I cant stop itching my chest.  Its quite attractive, me scratching my breasts, in public.  "I want some crack!"
15. Had a conversation w/ my 8 yr. Old niece.  I asked her how her school year went.  She said fine.  I asked her what she did for fun at school.  She said go out for recess.  Me - what do you do for recess?  Her- Beat boys up on the playground.  Me -  (stifling a laugh) Why do you beat boys up for fun?  Her -  (shrugs) Nuttin' better to do. 
16. A homeless man asked me for a tampon.
17. On my team leaders last day of work, as she was leaving the building, most of our staff was hiding in the bushes and dumped buckets of water on her. 
18. Told the cute little fuzzy bunny story to Brian.  He absolutely loved it.  If you don't know the story, you better ask...
19. Im in K-mart, a mother and child are near by.  I sneeze, the mother blesses me, then breaks out, full throttle, into song (Amazing Grace).  A little later, in a different department in K-mart, I sneeze, the same woman blesses me again (I didnt see her this time, she was just somewhere in the vicinity), she breaks out into Amazing Grace again.  This is when my eyebrows raised.  Then I hear her young daughter say "mama, why you always gotta sing that after people sneeze?"  The mother didnt hear her daughter, she was belting out Amazing Grace still, at the top of her lungs.
20. "Look! vegetarians can't even fight!  They're using spoons!"  says Brian.  I'd put this into context, but it's even funnier out of context.

I used to not want to go outside if I saw looming clouds, "storm's a comin'" my Grandpa would always say....

Now I seek out the storms.  The last time I went rollerblading in the park, I got caught in the storm.  First I cursed it, but then ended up finding it an uplifting, powerful experience...  I saw the clouds today, saw the wind, I could tell another one was on it's way...  I didnt plan on going rollerblading today, did my quota for the week already.... but the storm was beckoning me, telling me to come out and play...    OK!

This is one...(lap one, I always tell myself that at the marker on the track so I don't lose track...)  The wind blowing all around me, hair flying, could feel the humidity on my skin, but no droplets yet...  Saw the same old man that always seems to be walking the track every time of the day, he gives his regular wave as always, I smile as always and wave back,.....

(so what shall I think about during my skate today?)

  Lot's of squirrels running about, but I don't see the mama groundhog and her babies today..

(How about..if I could change one thing about myself, but only one thing, what would it be?)

  The mulberry trees are fruitful now, I stop and eat a few...

(Self love, that would be it, not having to look outward to others, get attention/affection from others to feel good about myself)

  The kids are on the playground playing on the swings and slide, the parents are yelling for them to hurry up so they can dodge the storm...

(I'm a pretty self assured person, independant, high self worth, all that, but that old want, that old need is older than the hills, within my 33 year old body anyway, it still has a part in me...)

  This is two, 4 more laps to go, pick up the pace a bit... 

(Then the next time I'm in a relationship, I want to be in it because I'm a whole person who loves myself and WANT'S to be the relationship, doesn't NEED to be in the relationship to feel  better about myself.  Gotta let go of that ancient thought within me that if I don't have someone to love me I'm worthless)

  The red sand on the baseball diamond is being blown all around in red swirls and gusts, looks like a Dali painting.....The kids are playing soccer in the soccer fields, parents rooting for them, ah the bond between parent and child on this fine, beautiful Father's Day...

(that's it, well that's part of it, Dad was never around, moved to VA when I was little, didn't feel his love, he didn't know how to show it anyway, he didn't know how to say I love you, give hugs or kisses, not because he was a bad father, he just never got that as a child and it seemed only natural to him that that wasn't how a father should be...)

  There is a father running his little girl to the bathrooms, she still has on her soccer cleats, they are both racing eachother, laughing, beautiful. 

(Mom didn't know how to show us love either, instead was verbally, physically abusive, we didn't have the parental love we needed as kids...my first taste of love:  Allen, my first boyfriend.  I was 15, he was 16.  He showed me unconditional love, loved me for my laughter, my dancing, my artistry, my temper, my  depression all of it...  "So this is what love is... I thought....finally, I know what it feels like..)

  This is 3, only 3 more laps to go, the gusts of wind are steady now, I wonder if I'll make it to lap 6 before the rain comes...

(that "love" I got from Allen and every boyfriend after that was the only kind of love I knew, it followed me into adulthood, was a big detriment, I became needy, depended upon another loving me to feel "whole". When one relationship ended another began, great distraction, or so I thought...)

  All the squirrels are now standing on their hind quarters, they look like a bunch of prairie dogs, all of them, I can see over twenty, why aren't they safely in their trees or holes? Are they storm seeking today like  me?  This is 4, only 2 more laps to go...

(that's it, although I've come a LONG way down the path of learning to love myself, I typically do not feel the need to have another validate the feelings I have of myself, however, that old feeling is still down there, somewhere, tugging at me.... but that's probably why I don't want to date/be in a relationship right now... I'm still not entirely ready...still have some internal work to do...when I'm ready I'll want to be in a relationship, not need it anymore... I'm finding the beauty in people in working side by side with them, or in in-depth coversations w/ friends, or in observing my girls I work with, or in my son's goofiness,  I don't need the affection/love of another to love life, to love myself, it's so freeing to know that....just gotta get rid of that little girl tuggin at me inside...)

  This is 5, one more lap to go, ok, c'mon, now push on, give these last couple laps your best...the wind is blowing so hard now, I have to lean almost completely forward and move my legs side to side to even get the slightest bit of momentum, it's almost as if my sheer strength and will aren't enough to face this wind, it's like I'm moving in slow motion,

(push harder)

 ok, here I go, I got more momentum "Whaaa!  my hat"  My hat and headphones blow off my head, I look backwards, and there is the old man again, smiling, waving, picking up my hat, he says "perfect day to think isn't it?" 

(how did he know?)

(Push harder, c'mon, you can do it, why not have that attitude w/ your inner struggles, don't give up the minute you start figuring things out, just because it's foreign, scary, push on, push harder, get it all out, it's better to do it now than later...)

  This is 6, push harder, The wind is gusting so hard now it's blowing branches off the trees, branches flying down on my head, on the ground, they are becoming obstacles to dodge, I don't wan't to fall, just one small branch stuck in my wheel will send me flying.  But I dodge and speed past them with confidence and agility, I'd high five myself if I could.   

(it's ok, you're going to be fine, you will conquer this storm, just like you will conquer your inner struggles.  Keep pushing on)

  Ok, laps are done, heading home, I'm taking in the moisture in the air, the wind blowing in my hair and on my skin, love that smell in the air just before the storm starts.  The storm is powerful, challenging, but beautiful, I appreciate it for what it is...

...just like life's lessons.

Mentally ill or rather, to be more PC, mentally challenged.

Today I was rollerblading at my local park and the first thing I saw were 3 baby ground hogs pouncing after their mother. Had to mention it.  Random I know.

But then, I saw something far more significant. There is a local group home in my neighborhood of mentally ill/challenged adults that come to the park quite often with their supervisor watching them.

So, some people say that mentally ill adults are like children in adults bodies.

But they are wrong.

They are far better and far more enlightened than children.

Children are testing their boundaries every chance they get. They test aggressiveness, competition, boundaries in general, probably due mostly to society and their parents. But get this...

On the swings there were some children pushing eachother, but they were trying to push eahcother OFF the swings, they were tormenting eachother, arguing, yelling.

And on the other half of the swingset were the mentally ill adults....

the mentally ill adults were talking so kindly to one another, pushing eachother, taking turns, being gentle w/ one another, laughing, smiling, they were so happy, so innocent, did I mention happy? On the monkey bars, there were two mentally ill adults. One going accross the bars (not 4 inches from the ground because he was so big) and the other one was "spotting" him, making sure he didn't fall, but also happily encouraging him, "go Joe! You can do it!"

These mentally ill/challenged adults were kind, loving towards one another, happy, smiling, exploring the world with a totally different perspective than most.

Ah, to live in their heads for one day, to see their perspective, I wonder....

I want to be mentally ill.........even for just one day.

Many thanks to the talented Brian who wrote this wonderful piece w/ me as his inspiration.  *Sniff* made me all misty.  His perspective, eloquence and talent blow me away.

(copied and pasted from Brian's blog)

Mulberry Girl

I just created a new work, but in order to properly display it in the format it requires, I had to make an image of it.  This work can be viewed at

www.straylightmonk.com/prose/mulberrygirl.jpg

BE SURE TO MAXIMIZE YOUR BROWSER, OR THE IMAGE WILL LOOK BLURRY!

Also, I have just started page 42 of my short story and I'm closing in on the end soon.  Hope to have a copy for those of you who wish to view it soon!

Take care and have an excellent weekend!

Today is my last day

Today is my last day to enjoy my daily 4-6 mile roller blading routine.  It will soon be fall, I can tell because there are branches, leaves, goose turds (eeewww) and the like scattered all about my neighborhood park track.  I had to dodge several obstacles today, too much debris, which kept me from a decent cardio workout.  Fitting, since this Thursday is the first day of autumn.  (fitting that my first cider mill visit this year w/ a dear, sweet friend turns out to be on the first day of Autumn, * smile *).  I do so love the smell of fall air, the wood burning fireplaces letting out their camp fire scents, the crispness in the cloud cover, the changing of the leaves...  However, I'll miss my daily roller blading adventures.

It was so much more to me than roller blading.  It was a sense of freedom, to be outside enriching all my senses while also sailing effortlessly through the park with the wind in my hair and my body thanking me for keeping it healthy and well. 

It was also....  A way for me to get away from it all, and just be with myself, for myself. 

To bask in the glory and beauty around me as well as giving my mind time to think, get things straight, wonder, dream... Almost spiritual to a point.  Some of you have seen my blogs, "I want to be mentally ill", "The storm", "Storm Seeker" etc... these blogs were all born from my experience roller blading around the park.  Roller blading for me was almost a very conscious way to pray/meditate.  It allowed me to nurture my mind while also nurturing my body. 

How many of us can say that?  That we nurture ourselves?  We say and sometimes brag about how we nurture others, that we are caring loving individuals and sacrifice many things to do right by other people in our lives.  But how many of us take that same care and love to nurture ourselves?  There are those who work out daily, but mostly do it for the pleasing aesthetics, to look good, to attract others...  but how many of us work out our minds and bodies to just simply care for ourselves? Love ourselves?  We deserve it, each and every one of us.

I used to be a caretaker.  I used to sacrifice my needs, wants, dreams just to please others.  I put others before myself, but to a fault.  I became bitter, angry, "why can't they do for me what I do for them?"  But little did I know that I set myself and others up for our roles in this play.  I care for them, and they take from me. I was a bitter Martyr. It was stressful, hurtful and drained me of all my emotional and physical energy.  Then one day I saw myself in the mirror.  I saw a big red pimple beginning to form.  I caught myself saying aloud "great, just another ugly flaw you have."  But the key words here are... I caught myself.  I then started thinking (mostly on my daily roller blading excursions) about if I gave myself enough love and care as I give to others, if I'd be a happier person?  I thought it was worth a shot... so I tried it.  At first it felt forced, fake, not right.  But slowly I started to learn, to grow, to appreciate...... appreciate myself.  I now take care of myself daily, love myself, work out, meditate, make time for me, eat right (except for the occasional Big Mac and Stroh's Black Cherry ice cream) and overall........  I now cherish the most important person in my life.  Me. 

No, I have not become self indulgent, put others on the back burner, look out for number one all the time...  Instead I've noticed the more I love me, the more output I can give to others, especially in my close relationships w/ friends and family.  Interesting how that works.  I even ( I love this ) came to an agreement with a friend to mentally and physically nurture ourselves for support and just plain good company once a week.  Now every Wed. we get together, work out (free weights at his house one week, cardio and pilates at my house the next and so on...) then do a self-help work book together, and at the end, retire to the dinner table at whose house it's at that week, and that person cooks a healthy dinner for the both of us. 

It's like I filled my self-critical void with delicious cream filling, and now, when I'm around others, they find me even tastier than before.  Heh.  I jest, but it's true.   ;)  At first I was a sponge cake, and now I'm a Twinkie. * snicker *  Go fig.

Yes, I was a little sad when I put my roller blades away today knowing I probably won't see them again until next spring.  However, my sturdy, Gortex, waterproof hiking boots are right next to them and I plan to put those on, bundle up and power walk as well as hike through the up coming fall and winter months.  Maybe my inner dialogue will change with the boots, maybe it will stay the same.  The roller blades were free and fluid, the boots are sturdy and grounded.  Either way, I'm excited to see what the outcome is.